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February 12th, 2004

01:31 am - Disintegration - I’m taking it in stride
My leg is bleeding because I scratched off what has turned out to be quite a large scab from my knee. The scab is there because I shaved my legs with a razor that was too damn sharp. I have no skill with a razor. Everything always turns out way too bloody with them.

A couple minuets ago everything made a lot more sense.

How can things go from completely orderly and normal to so fucked up and out of control without changing at all. What happened to make things different?

Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating, like I absolutely can’t get enough oxygen in my lungs. I swear to god, My lungs wont fill completely with air. Its like they could fill up but the sharp pain in my chest stops the air flow when I take a breath. It hurts so bad that I think that maybe id just rather die before finishing breathing.

But there is nothing wrong with me. If I close my eyes and concentrate on my body, take slow deep breaths, sometimes I can convince myself that I am not going to die. I haven’t died yet so the chances of me dying from suffocation is only slight. Still sometimes I can’t convince myself that I am not dying and I just accept that this is it.

This happens several times a day.

I went to the doctor. He told me I should seek therapy but that since I don’t have the money for a shrink ( I wouldn’t go to a fucking shrink anyway) That I should take some pills. He said I have anxiety. He gave me a whole bunch of them for free but I didn’t take them.

I don’t like the idea of the drugs tricking my body into thinking everything is cool. Maybe everything is not cool. Maybe everything is sooo fucked up that the whole world is reacting to it. I know I am not the only person who has this problem. I watch Oprah and Sally and that brown haired chick who stared in Hairspray. Anxiety is running rampant. The world is freaking out and I wanna know why.

Still I don’t understand my line of reasoning. I won’t take the pills because I don’t want my emotions fucked with but on the other hand I’ve taken other drugs that in comparison make the anxiety pills seem like sweet tarts and I have no problem with that.

It makes no sense. I am absolutely aware of that, but it seems right and though I can sit and explain to myself that it’s the same concept, that anything I put in my body will change it from what it is, I can’t seem to really convince myself of that. Perhaps unconsciously I know better.

How do I even know who I am? Everything that influences my brain everyday, drugs, advertising, television, gossip, shit even the food I eat, the air I breath is tainted and capable of making me different. No one is safe when it’s the contact that makes us open to suggestion.

Everyday I think im going to die. Several times a day I am completely convinced that I am going to die with in seconds. Obviously it never happens and every time I don’t die I am not sorry. I don’t want to die, I am not suicidal, but living is an empty victory.

I have lost all interest in socialization. I am mean to people I like and completely indifferent to people that I don’t. I don’t visit people, I make it hard for company to come over, I never answer the phone. The only place I go is work. The few people I talk to are online. (They are easier to avoid if it comes to that.)

I don’t like parties anymore. I used to. I tell people that I’ve just grown up, that I’ve matured and that I have better things to do with my time, but that’s not the truth. The truth is I have an uncontrollable fear that ill suddenly be unable to breath in a large crowd and though I wont be in any peril, my mind will scream danger. I always feel I have to get away. I can’t enjoy myself under those circumstances.

So I do nothing. Everyday is the same. Work, home, sleep. This is my world. Everything else that goes on around me, my best friends pregnancy, an old friend calling me up and telling me that they’re getting married, friends addicted to crack, losing themselves in misery and despair, begging, without words for me to help them, children I love growing up, changing; lonely strangers crying, killing themselves because i cant take the time out of my life to talk to them, kids starving, insecure teens hating themselves because I don’t compliment therm, people being eternally damned because I didn’t bother to help them.

These are all things that are happening around me. Some far, some near. Some good, some bad. Its all the same. I have to push it away. These aren’t things that are happening to me. Its just a story i read when I was a child or a movie I watched but forgot all about. Its not important. Ill block it out.

I avoid any strong emotions as much as possible. Even happiness makes me cry. It hits me like shards of glass tearing through my insides. I can be soooo happy to be happy that I don’t know what to do. There’s no one to share my happiness with. I pushed them all away or never bothered to meet them in the first place. Was it a mistake? I am I enough by myself?

I used to like writing. I still do but its harder now. I have to concentrate hard to focus on what I am doing. Its not the same. Nothing is. Everything has become different without changing.

I have a hard time telling how much time has passed during random intervals. Sometimes I will stare off into space and it will seem like only five minuets have passed but when I check the time, hours have passed. I do things and completely forget doing them. Small things. This happens to everyone I am sure but it is happening to me more frequently then it used to. Though as of yet it has not presented any sort of complication in my life other than talking up time that I could possibly have used more productively, It still scares me.

I don’t know what will happen next.

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December 3rd, 2003

08:46 pm - stuff i did today
i broke down and rolled one. Also i changed my ligt bulb.

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November 28th, 2003

04:30 pm - light bulb
My lightbulb burnt out and i am too lazy to change it. I have been sitting in the dark for over a week.

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September 24th, 2003

03:51 am - How does this work?
I think i am going to die.

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